7am – wake up time!
Usually, I don’t wake up this early (i naturally wake up at 9am) but i really wanted to attend a revision lecture at 10am on statistics – a necessary component for my psychology undergraduate degree… and tbh stats is not my best subject. It’s one of those subjects that doesn’t gel with me. I remember feeling so lost for the first 3/4 of the semester, until i finally started to do something about it. I gotta remind myself next semester to actually write out my own summary notes, weekly. so yeah… my bad that i fell behind.
I recently received my grade for my stats assignment (worth 35%) and i was pretty bummed because it was the worst mark i had ever received out of all my psych courses. A reason why i’m fixating so much on high marks is that i need at least 80%+ to get into my fourth year honours course, if i plan on staying at the same uni!! If not, then i’ll have to travel further out to the other unis. Also, getting into honours is important to me b/c i really want to be a psychologist and my current plan is to enlist in the defence force through their undergraduate entry and the earliest they receive applications is 4th year honours soooo :O
7.30am – breakfast
I ate quick oats and mixed it with sweet potato (so fucking yum). I usually alternate b/w that, bananas and tomatoes (yeah i know it sounds a bit gross, but my mum actually sold me on that one haha).
I’m trying to get into a stable diet routine, where I’m cutting out refined sugar (sugary drinks, deserts, milk chocolate etc.), dairy and high glycemic foods (white bread etc.) because the above listed foods are causing my skin some SERIOUS STRESS. Like my acne went from being bad in high school to somewhat stable (altho never good) for most of uni, and all of a sudden, BAM it’s the worst it’s ever been.
FYI – I have an extremely oily T-zone, shit on of black sebaceous filaments on my nose, large ass pores on nose/cheeks, oily cheeks, random pimples around forehead, temple and chin, subclinical acne on my forehead and a CLUSTER of pimples and intense scarring on my right cheek. Yeah not pretty. I’ve also cut out MAKEUP, b/c i think that’s irritating my skin, although i do properly cleanse (double cleanse)…
Skin concern, especially this past month, has been one of the biggest issues I’ve had to deal with thus far in my year. I’m starting to have thoughts that I never had back in high school – my self-esteem is affected (I’d like to describe myself as having somewhat good self-esteem most of the time), but man has it taken a hit this year. I can barely go about my day without checking on skin (yep, it’s oily again and its shining, are people looking at it? do they think i’m gross? oh no, boysssss will judge me, i’ll never get a bf at this rate). Even at home, i’m constantly thinking about it, checking in the mirror, seeing how gross it is, feeling down, which affects how i interact with others. But then i just have to remind myself constantly that there is always someone out there that has it worse. And it’s that constant reeling myself back into reality: “hey it’s not as bad as you think”, that i need to continue doing. Patience is something I’m learning this year.
I’ve been watching a lot more youtube skincare: Liah Yoo to name one of my faves. And just educating myself and incorporating things into my skincare and hopefully chipping away at it a little a day and since time flies by, hopefully i’ll be radiating some day without weird hairs on my face, black filled pores and subclinical acne.
9:30am – arrived at uni/accidentally met a friend
It takes me about 1.5 hours to arrive at uni (in the city – as i live in a regional suburb). Since semester 1 has ended, there was considerably less people in the city/on the tram, which is always a relief for me – i haaaate crowds, ew, i always feel judged.
As i stepped off the tram i saw one of the closest friends by chance and we walked to the library together and studied for a bit.
A note on friendship. At times I feel like i have none, despite being surrounded by people. I think i’ve taken a deeper approach to friends and it’s not like it used to be back in high school, where you’re forced to interact with them on a daily basis and you form these close groups. uni is the complete opposite. you have to make an effort to keep in contact, to meet new people, it’s not as easy as it used to be.
I think you have different types of friends, rather than everything you need in one single best friend (altho some ppl have that and thats great). i have friends i go socialising with, friends i eat food/shop with, friends i talk to for advice etc. altho i find my social circle narrowing (i’m not a group-type of person, i tend to just hang out singularly with people), anyways i find it narrowing each year as you become “an adult” and i feel more lonely… like there’s no-one i can truly talk about my passion with on the same level (btw i want to be a writer/director, predominantly horrors, thrillers, action and drama)… so thats something i’m working on (i’m forcing myself to attend a two-day film festival workshop next weekend, so hopefully i can meet some cool peeps).
10am to 1pm – stats lecture
it was long but it was a nice refresher on the basics. it was run by students of the psych club at my uni.
1pm – luuuuuunch
i love food. like genuinely it excites me to think: omg i get to eat three delicious meals today. which is shocking b/c i went through a bout of depression earlier this year (a falling out of a potential relationship triggered it) where i had lost appetite and it was the strangest feeling back then, b/c when ur in that state of depression, you have an inkling of a memory of you once enjoying food, but it seems so distant and foreign and all of a sudden you can’t even convince urself that u can like food now… everything just tastes bland and u can’t stomach it and u just don’t get hungry or excited about food… those were an interesting time to look back on.
Anyways i went to Stovetop, a super nice cafe near my uni and omg their Avocado on toast MADE MY DAY. So beautiful, so flavourful. a fucking half avocado just there, not mixed with anything, pure avo goodness, a beautiful poached egg, beetroot sauce???? some nuts, omg i felt so healthy. altho it was $17.5 and i cried a little on the inside but it’s fine now, it made me full and happy and it was a little treat for sitting for 3h for a revision lecture for a subject i dont likeeee soooo.
2pm – errands in city
you can tell i’m tired now b/c imma just list things:
- mecca – bought drunk elephant night serum (aim to reduce my subclinical acne, pimples, hyperpigmentation)
- priceline – the ordinary cold-pressed oil (hydrates skin, used in conjunction w drunk elephant night serum) + sunscreeen!!!!!!!! la-rosche-posay brand
- returned a broken ring from Lovisa – $16 back
GUILT, GUILT, GUILT = too much money being spent. i’ve spent roughly $500-800 on skincare/makeup products this year. how fucking disgusting. i’ve never spent this much in my entire life. all of it triggered by guy problems, stressors, life. i need to tame myself again. but the thing w skincare is that a lot of it is trial and error… often at a cost.
4pm – arrived home, workout
A few days ago, triggered by yet another failed attempt at a relationship (currently my biggest stressor, more on that soon).
I took care of my pets (2 dogs and 1 cat <3333). Jogged for 15 mins, did a thigh/butt exercise cos my butt is small and flaaat. I did an ab one yesterday (i really wanna work on zapping my lower belly fat). exercise felt good (i haven’t done it in a while, i used to do muay thai). i’m trying to develop a routine of some sort (both skincare, fitness, sleep etc.)
6pm – dinner, walk the dogs
dad made foooood and it was spicy and yum. i always find myself hungry after a workout so extra yums. dad made spicy chicken with chilli and some stewed chinese cabbage and rice 🙂
walked the dogs in the freezing weather for about 30mins with dad. the dogs are always so happy on walks, love that. gotta buy them toys tho.
got a text from my brother whos in the defence force, completing his navy training, who needed some important documents, so i gotta get those sorted soon.
7pm – exam revision
yay. basically writing smaller notes onto cuecards from my main summary notes. this is so that i can bring this on the train or rote learn them on the day of exams and ditch them in a bin before going in. lots to do
9pm – writing this post, last minute revision, youtube videos, mediation and sleeep
I tend to watch a couple of youtube videos before sleep. my favourite youtubers to liten to are Jerry Liu (social commentator), Asian boss (interesting cultural stuff), H3H3 highlights or Phillip DeFranco if i feel like news or youtube drama, skincare stuff.
For meditation, I listen to the free UCLA one. although it used to be more effective, now i find myself more distracted. Recommend any good meditation videos for me????
Side note: boy problem. sigh.
I read a book by meg jay: 20s, your defining decade, and it made me make a plan (i love making plans/goals). my plan was: be married by 25 and be a practicing psychologist by then, first kid by 28. Obvs i wasn’t gonna force myself to get married if i didn’t find the right person, but it was good to have a general goal in life to know what i wanted and what to look for. except… my luck has been bad. not that i haven’t found interest in guys or them reciprocating, but they were always wrong in some way. My current, new plan is to just chill out for a bit. Find myself. Keep trying, putting myself out there. Reframe my mind. Something Jerry Liu said was interesting – the right person for you takes you from point a to point b (your end goal in life) faster. For me, point be is to be a director. hopefully, i can find someone that has that same passion for films and i can make films with 🙂
but back to reality. my latest boy problem:
- met him through a filmmaking club at uni technically last yr, but i reached out to him this yr on insta.
- we talked, hung out and got some food (not classified as a date imo)
- i disappeared to china for a month of holidaying with mum
- got back, he reached out wanting to work on a film project with me so we got coffee
- worked on that project for months
- we literally just finished shooting it a few days ago.
- but we finished the majority of shooting 2 weeks ago. i confessed to him that time. he seemed awkward but he said he would think about it. albeit the timing of my confession was terrible b/c he had surgery the next day and he was exhausted (once again, i get tunnel vision when i want something)
- also, fyi, he’s a bit of an awkward guy in general, likes statistics, did a major in economics etc. but i didn’t mind it, quite liked it, found it endearing and we had enough mutual interests
- he reached out a week later after his surgery being like we should hang out. that day never came… he said he would organise a coffee date to talk about us. he mentioned it twice, he didn’t follow up on either
- first time i called him out on it (saying we should be friends i dont wanna make things awks, but he immediately replied being like oh im not ghosting, i was just busy with work and recovering from surgery), which is fair enough. but when he said he’d reschedule next week, he never did that.
so when the last day of shooting came, there was an elephant in the room, none of us addressed it. im sick of initiating it. if he didn’t initiate then obvs he wasn’t interested or didn’t have big enough balls to do something about it. he never brought it up.
Something the great philosopher, House M.D. once said … along the lines of … ‘white lies make others feel better, but rationalisations, they just make yourself feel better’. i’m done rationalising for the other person. get your act together buddy or i’m moving on.
so now i’m trying to distance my feelings from him. altho, he knows there is something that needs to be addressed and the ball is in his court. the fact that he dragged it out was really disheartening for me and disappointing b/c like i told him, it’s ok if we’re friends… yet, he continued to leave me in the grey zone which is disrespectful even as a friend.
so yeah. my life. in a blog post. as of right now.
mental health diaries 